WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME TO GET MARRIED?
Art by Norman Rockwell
Lo and behold winter is here and my anxiety is skyrocketing. Why you ask? Umm, have you seen my Instagram feed recently? Let me give you a glimpse. Photos and videos and reels of my MBA friends, my college friends, my school friends, my younger brother’s college friends, his school friends, all of them getting married. At the outset, it seems fine. I seem fine. I congratulate my friends on their major life event, rank their wedding outfits in my head, evaluate their dancing skills, but slowly and surely the anxiety starts creeping in.
“Am I missing out on something?” “Am I late to the party?” “Is it time that I too get married?” “But, I don’t have a significant other.” The FOMO gets real. The fear of falling behind, doing worse than my peers makes me uneasy and insecure. An internal monologue of what ifs, should have, could have ensues. Is there perhaps, a particular age, life milestone, placement of planets in your birth chart that indicates the right time to get married, I ponder. My mother got married at 22, my father at 28. I am 25, single. And I cannot tell if I have time or if I have missed the deadline.
What it means to love
There is this one scene in the movie Little Women, where the protagonist Jo March is asked by her mother, if she loves Laurie, Jo’s childhood friend. Jo replies, “I care more to be loved. I want to be loved”. Her mother, smiling, corrects her “that is not the same as loving”.
Most times when I have found myself wanting a relationship is also when I have found myself the loneliest. It’s when that I feel lonely, not good enough, doubting myself, that I feel a need for someone to take care of me, comfort me, tell me I am enough. How can I expect to have a loving and fulfilling relationship, when I am constantly wanting to be indulged and ministered? As Jo’s mother said, that is not the same as loving. To love means to give selflessly. And you cannot give love unless you have enough of it for yourself. Only when you find peace within yourself can you find true connection with others.
Accept the flaws
I am acutely aware of all my imperfections. However, I’ve always envisioned the ideal man for me, the one I marry, to be perfect.
I am difficult at times, sometimes irrational and most times stubborn. I drive myself insane on a regular basis. Then, to hold my future partner to unattainable and unreasonable standards of perfection is bigotry. To be ready for marriage would mean to be accepting of one’s flaws and the realisation that we’re all a little bit crazy.
Attempt to understand
My lover will be my best friend first. He’ll like the same music as me, have similar life goals and a shared passion for travel. He’ll understand the dusty corners of my confused chaotic being.
On certain days I feel miserable for no apparent reason. Some things just remain incomprehensible about our psyche, even to us. On such days, I should be willing to understand that my partner might not know the exact words to say to make me feel better, even if he is my best friend. To be willing to listen, talk and understand and not get offended when the other doesn’t get you is when you are ready for marriage.
It will fizzle out, eventually
With the number of romantic movies I’ve watched, I’ve built quite a strong fantasy of my husband and I being madly in love till we’re old, finding each other equally charming and irresistible even at 57.
The sparks will fly, yes, for a few years at most. After that, marriage will be about companionship and administration. Living together, cooking meals, doing the dishes, fixing furniture. Unlike the romantic movies, there will be no glamour of limitless love and crazy chemistry. What will remain are everyday activities that are imperative to sustain love.
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A time-based view of getting married is something I have failed to understand and comply with. Getting married when you have built certain mindsets, developed certain behaviours, is what makes more sense to me.
Accordingly, there is a lot of personal development to be done, self-discoveries to be made. In the meantime, dear self, be patient, don’t compare.
Recommendations : Watch ‘Before Midnight’ for a very real, humble depiction of life after the ‘happily ever after’.
